I made a mistake.  A big one.  One I knew I was making, but still I just couldn't help myself.

Last week, I went and saw the Twilight sequel, New Moon.

You're probably thinking, "Wow, it must have been really bad if she regrets it so much."

That's the problem--it wasn't.

I am a big fan of the books--they're really great, well-written, such an easy read (I should know, I've read all 4 twice in under a week (the second time it was actually only 3 days)), but I knew New Moon was the hardest read.  It's so emotional, filled with pain and heartbreak; something I could relate to.  I can still remember crying, feeling the pain in my heart that Bella feels, understanding the frozen state of being she walks around in.  Heartbreak hurts, this I know.  And so I understand it a little too well and empathize with it even more so. Call me an empath, if you will, because I pick up others emotions far too easily and make them my own.

My world is so busy right now, crowded with life and assignments beyond belief, and I knew that if I went and saw the film, I would inevitably feel her pain.  It would, of course, put me at risk of not being able to do my own work and focus on my own life knowing that someone, albeit someone fictional, was in so much pain.

I decided I would wait until my Christmas break started.

I failed.  I went and saw it anyway.

And I loved it.  Which presents me with my next problem--now I am ready to go back and read the books. 

Again. 

I know that when I break them out, I literally do nothing but read for 3 or 4 days.  I can't afford the time now, but still it makes it difficult, knowing they are there and I long to read them so much.  (I've already asked my husband not to hide them, promising him self-control this time, but I'm thinking him hiding them might not be such a bad thing.  Of course, the last time he hid them I wasn't overly happy about it; but then he did do it without telling me).

But as it's been a few days now, I might actually be able to get through the last few weeks without breaking down and reading them.  Although, everytime I listen to the soundtrack or hear tunes from the first album, my self-control starts to waver.

Luckily, I requested a copy of Dead Until Dark, the first of the Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood novels, from the library not expecting it until Christmas.  And what a surprise it showed up early. 

As in Friday.

Sadly, I'm almost done.  I've found a new distraction.

But hey, at least it's not Twilight!

I am calling it my Holiday To-Do, not because I don't believe in Christmas (I super believe in Christmas), but I don't have much left to do for Christmas.  80% of my gifts are bought, more than half are wrapped, so Christmas is good.  What I'm talking about is what I am going to do on my holidays.  I'm so excited!

Hmm, where to begin.

• My amazingly awesome friend Ashlee is going to lend me her True Blood books, so I'll be reading those
• I am going to reread the Twilight series (nothing like a third time through--that should take all of 3 days)
• I will have to see New Moon again (so good)
• I want to make my grandpa a calendar filled with bible verses and family photos--just the things he loves!
• Also, I want to buy my grandpa a bottle of Anacin.  I like to get him things he can use.  Last year I got him toilet paper, and for his birthday he got a bag of "orange cheese curls," or more commonly known as Cheezies.  He loves them (they're nice and soft on his false teeth)
• I want to spend some time volunteering at a soup kitchen with my daughter
• I'm going to get all the XBOX achievements in Lego Batman for my hubby, Ryan
• I would like to make a few things for my parents for Christmas
• Maybe do some baking (probably not though--it's just nice to think about; I totally don't need the extra calories)
• I wouldn't mind making perogies or can homemade pasta sauce (I make an awesome sauce--amazing!)
  
• Get back into my calorie-counting routine (I stopped while in school, it was just too intense.  Besides, how can I focus on math when I'm trying to be creative??!!)
• Do a super-thorough house clean (dusting EVERYWHERE)
• Go through Leah's clothes and donate what doesn't fit her anymore
• Go though my clothes and donate what doesn't fit anymore (including the pants I am wearing today--they're so big, but so comfy!  (WARNING: Shameless plug ahead)  Thank you, Old Navy, for regularly making awesome clothes that I can keep affording to replace)
• I wouldn't mind making some CDs (or DVDs or whatever--as long as my car will play 'em, I'll make 'em.  I know DVDs have more room, and my stereo does play MP3s and WMA CDs, so we'll see, maybe it will play an MP3 DVD?  Long shot, but you know...)
• I want to make that amazingly good free-range chicken in the freezer
• I would like to send out Christmas cards this year (I still have the stamps from last year)
• Having the killer-hot Kerilee and her honey Scott over for dinner and games would be great, too
• Um, get pregnant?  Ya, that could be fun...Even if we just practice...
  
• Get back into my regular exercise routine
• Surpass Keane on XBOX achievements (again for Ryan--I don't play under my own account)
• Write another draft of my e-Harlequin
• Finish the first draft of my full-length play
• Start the second draft of my full-length play
• Re-organize my office
  

I totally know that I am missing things that I want to do.  Of course, I also know that the chances of me getting everything on this list done aren't that great.  I like to over plan and set the bar really high, which sucks, because disappointment often follows. 

But hey, if I can do even 3 things over my 3 week holiday, then I've done well, and that will make me happy. 

So take that, Disappointment!  And if you're not down with that, then I got two words for you...(If you are a wrestling fan (DX), then you will know what those two words are, if not, well, then I've got two different words for you: too bad!)

These past few weeks, I have done sooo much personal branding.  It's interesting, because you think you know who you are, but in the end you have absolutely no idea.  Or maybe that's just me?

I know where I came from.

I kind of know where I am right now.

But where am I going?  Haven't got a clue.  Mostly.

Sometimes a map would be nice.  Something to say, "you need to do this, and go here and do that."  But at the end of the day, do I actually want to be told what to do? 

It looks good on paper. 

But I know me--I'm a free spirit, and as my mom always said, "You'll just do whatever it is you want, anyway, Rachel." 

Huh. 

I guess you were right, Mom.

That's always an odd moment--kind of surreal and scary even--discovering that your parents actually knew what they were talking about.  So weird.

I read somewhere that your teens are where you become you. Your 20s are where you discover just who you are.  Your 30s are where you accept who you are.  By your 40s, you've finally grasped that it doesn't really matter--life's too short, so you just live and enjoy it.

I'm quite a long ways from 40, so in the meantime, I still care.  I've got 2 years before my "acceptance stage," so I guess that's something to look forward to.  It's just going to be difficult to accept what you're not really sure about.

But on the plus side, I do still have 2 years to figure out who I am.

Hmm.  Maybe a map wouldn't be so bad afterall.

This morning I bought my daily Coke Zero.  Most people buy coffee or a latte or something of the sort, but not me; I just don't like the taste.  But as of late, I have discovered that I really like the addition of caffeine to my day.  It's surprisingly pleasant--until my mid-afternoon crash, of course.  But that happens with or without the coke.

So this morning, while waiting in line to pay for my a.m. pick-me-up, I noticed something new and exciting on the counter: Cow Tales.

I was immediately intrigued.

Shaped like a long stick, it's basically a chewy caramel with a cream center.  It's really weird.  I like cream (the whipped kind, anyway--remember?  I don't like coffee?), and caramel is pretty good, but to mix them, hmm.  I want to say it's genius...but I'm really not so sure.

I am currently chewing the last few bites and still trying to figure out if I should be licking my lips or preparing a bucket to vomit in.

The two items on their own are great, but the combination really is kind of creepy. 

And funny tasting. 

And even now, I can feel the gasses of my stomach rumbling, wanting to reject the strange concoction.

Maybe being adventurous and inquisitive isn't such a good thing.  I think tomorrow I'll just stick to Coke.  In the meantime, I could sure use a GingerAle.

And a bottle of Tums.

Back in the days of awesome SNL, there was the most amazing of commercials--Crystal Gravy.  I can still here the song, and read the words: "right now America is eating crystal gravy."  Yum.  (I'd watch the video, but I'm in Canada and there's that whole region thing that's really annoying.  Oh you Americans, you think you're so smart, banning internet videos from your friendly (and runtish) little sister up north. Maybe we should ban basketball from you--we came up with it, afterall...Ha! Take that.  Then you could figure out how an old Jack Nickolson would meet young girls!)

Mmm, Crystal Gravy.  So gross looking, yet so clear, so crystal, so refreshing!  And that's how I feel right now.  Kind of refreshed.  I know that I am dead and exhausted, beaten down and overworked (and incredibly underpaid--I'm a student, it costs me to do homework (that's the "gross looking part of being gravy)), but I feel like I can actually manage all that's coming at me.  Maybe, just maybe I'll survive it. 

Ha, who am I kidding?  Of course I'll survive!  I lived through my grade 8 band trip (which I was told not to fall asleep on, because I wouldn't be waking up!  Gah!  Can you believe that?  Death threats in grade 8?  Really?  But don't you girls think for an instant that I regret winning that badminton game that started it all!).  I survived a rollover car accident.  Thrice we rolled, and I actually walked away.  Litterally.  We were stranded 10 or 15 miles from civilization in November, so if I wanted to get anywhere, I had to walk.  And what a beautiful sight Kenora was in the end (and yes, Charles, I forgive you for destroying my car.  You're lucky I hadn't named him yet.).  I even survived my journey through time, back to good old 1955 when I met my parents and my mom started falling in love with me and my dad was kind of a loser, but I brought them together anyway at the Under the Sea Dance and restored the lives of my brother, my sister and me.

Erm, wait a minute, maybe that last one wasn't me, but it sounds like something I did...

Hmm.  Hoverboards.  Remember when people started saying that they were real and were being sold for millions of dollars?  I think I wanted one; I'm not really sure. I know my husband did, at least according to him 20-some years later, but I don't know if I did.  I probably didn't because everyone else wanted one and I was going through my "do anything to be different" stage. 

Enough!  I should be talking about Crystal Gravy!  That's the one thing I am really looking forward to.  Just finish this current assignment, and I can bathe in Crystal Gravy if I want to! 

Of course I wouldn't, because that's just gross and the stuff also isn't highly available.  Hmm, that could be a problem.